Fourth of July: for Lafayette

Me:  Hey France!!!  France!!

I wave trying to get France’s attention.

France:  Ah, bonjour.  It is the Américaine.

Me:  Yes, it is the Américaine.  Why do you say that like you don’t know who I am?

France lights a cigarette and shrugs.

Me:  So, Happy Fourth of July!!

France:   Ah oui, your independence.  Why do I care about this?  This is not my holiday.  Take your Américain enthusiasm somewhere else, huh?  It fatigues me.

I put my arm around France’s shoulders and keep walking.  France looks at my arm as though it were a poisonous snake. 

France:  Why are you touching me?  I do not eenjoy thees.

Me:  Well get over it buddy, I’ve allowed about a million strangers to kiss my face over the past 16 months and that hasn’t made me comfortable either.

France:  Such brutes, you Américains.  To kiss someone’s face is polite, gentile not like this horrible hugging business.  Why do I want your fat body pressed up against me?  (France shivers)  Grotesque!

Me:  What?!  I’m not even fat.

France:  Yes, but you are Américain so you might as well be fat.  I can’t help it; I hear the accent and this is what I see.

Me:  You don’t want to know what I see when I hear your accent…

I say this menacingly. 

France:  Pfff…this is what you will never understand, little Miss America, I don’t care what you see when you hear my accent.

Me:  You’re impossible.  I don’t know why I keep trying to talk to you.

France:  Because I am fascinating.

Me:  Irritating as well.  I’m just trying to celebrate my Independence Day and you have to bring me down.  I mean, you know that the French helped us significantly during the American Revolution.  You supported us.

France gives me an eye roll.

France:  Ouais.  It was a long time ago, non?

Me:  Yes, but you know even in WWI, we honored Lafayette who helped during the American Revolution.  There was even a Lafayette Squadron.

France:  Typical Américain, so overly sentimental.  Wasn’t he declared a traitor later?  I seem to remember that.

Me:  UGH!  YOU exhaust ME!

I start to walk off.

France:  Très typique!

France says this loudly to stop me.

France:   I am finally interested and you walk away.

This time I roll my eyes.

France:  So, what are you going to do for this holiday?  Talk too loudly and wear tennis shoes everywhere?

France casually lights a cigarette and sniggers.

Me:  Haven’t decided yet, what are you going to do for Bastille Day?  Feign boredom and wear scarfs in summer?

There is a momentary stand-off and then France nods.

France:  Bien joué.  You are learning.

Me:  I think we will probably have a party for the fourth.  You know, lots of food and decorations, patriotic music; I’ll probably wear red, white, and blue.

France:  Ouais, sounds like you, everything has to be over-the-top and too much.  Why do you need to decorate your houses all the time?  I don’t understand this.

Me:  Oh please, like you aren’t going to be running around screaming the Marseillaise and waving the Tricolore next week!

France:  I most certainly will not!

France is indignant.

Me:  Do I need to bring up photos from last year?

France turns bright red.

France:  What?  No!  I don’t know what you are talking about…I am France, I don’t act like that.  You are the reedeeculous ones.

I give France a smirk.

France:  Fine.  Maybe we decorate a little, certainly not like you tacky Americans.

Me:  Certainly.

France lights another cigarette.

France:  So, I am invited to this fête?

Me:  I didn’t think you would want to come.

France:  I didn’t say I wanted to come!  Mon dieu!  Everything must be a challenge with you always.  Pfff…

France looks everywhere but at me. 

Me:  Oh France, you know you are invited.

France:  Well, I should think so.

Me:  Wait, why?

France:  Pff…always the same.  You know we did help you to win, without us there would be no Etats-Unis, huh?

Me:  But I already sai–

France interrupts me. 

France:  So yes, I will be there, I will bring some good cheese, something French that will actually taste nice, you know, for Lafayette and all that.

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19 Responses to Fourth of July: for Lafayette

  1. Cécile says:

    I LOVE your conversations with France 🙂

    • breadispain says:

      Haha -thanks! I have a lot of fun writing them, probably my favorite to write, actually. Seemed appropriate for this particular holiday! Glad you enjoyed! 🙂

  2. Andrew says:

    Yep, this is a great post. “It fatigues me” made me laugh

  3. Aidan Larson says:

    you are so clever. i really love your blog. you’ve got france down pat!
    aidan

  4. Diary of Why says:

    “Talk too loudly and wear tennis shoes everywhere?” Bahahahaha. Love all of these. Happy 4th from the nation’s capital (of America!)

  5. Jill says:

    Hahaha …you really ARE a crack up..so clever 🙂 Thanks for the laughs and memories!

  6. Theresa says:

    I love France! I want to talk to it sometime the way you do!
    (And from one expat American to another, I hope you spent time wearing red, white, and blue, listening to “American Woman,” and singing “The Star-Spangled Banner” at the top of your lungs.

  7. Crystal says:

    lol I love your conversations with France posts…so clever and witty! Happy 4th of July!! (it was yesterday, but I just saw this post today). Oh, can I be nit picky for one second? The plural of “scarf” is “scarves” 🙂

    • breadispain says:

      HA! WRONG – I googled it before writing it and you can use either so I flipped a coin! I knew my Grammar teacher Mother would bust me if I had it wrong. Glad you enjoyed! We need to get together – been centuries!

      • Crystal says:

        hmmm well if you GOOGLED it, it MUST be right :p I remember having spelling drills in school with all those damn irregular plurals. Had I known you could just tack an “s” on any word, I’d have saved myself a lot of pre-test stress.

        And yes, I agree. We have to get together soon. I’m having foot surgery next Monday, but as soon as I’m all up and walking again, I promise we’ll do a picnic in Vizille. The weather is nice now, so we won’t have to keep rainchecking it like last time! (at least I hope!!)

  8. I love your conversations with France. In my head I picture her as a über skinny, cigarette smoking fashionista and she has the accent, of course!!! So very good!!!

  9. whitt88 says:

    So many laughs because so much of what you write is true. Now you’ve got us wondering how you will play the 14th.

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