Last week, the French version of “The Bachelor” (“Le Gentleman Celibataire”) concluded and France and I decided to meet for aperitif to discuss it.
France: Alors, what did you think? Much better than the American version, non?
I let out a sigh and take a big gulp of my kir.
Me: Why do you have to phrase everything like that? I mean, don’t tell me something is bad and then ask for my confirmation, it is so antagonistic.
Now France lets out a sigh.
France: Mon dieu! It is you who is being antagonistic right now, non?
I give France a flat look and decide that the irony is not going to be recognized.
Me: Yeah, it was good. MB and I enjoyed it, we watch the U.S. one as well. BACHELOR NATION, WOOP WOOP!
France is nonplussed by my display of enthusiasm.
Me: Anyway, it was cool to see all the funny cultural differences.
France: Like what?
France pulls out a cigarette and takes a sip of pastis.
Me: Hmm…well, like some of the basic behaviors of the women were really different.
France: Mais, bien sur, French women and American women are not the same.
Me: Well, we are all women…
France gives me a look as though that is questionable.
Me: BUT, we were raised in really different cultures, so guess that is part of it. Like, the French women were so much more reserved, hardly any tears during the whole season. I also couldn’t believe how some of them complained about the “Gentleman Celibataire” not being that good-looking! It cracked me up, you would never hear that on the American version. Our women are always so excited and eager.
France: Oui, this is true, you Americaines do not know the art of playing hard to get.
Me: Apparently not! I mean, I couldn’t believe the one girl who wouldn’t get out of the car to meet him, but instead sent him a note telling him to come and retrieve her from the vehicle. Blech! I was so surprised that he kept her around after that.
France: But of course he did! This was a very charming thing for her to do.
Me: Really? I don’t get it. In the U.S. that would be considered high-maintenance.
Me: We don’t consider high-maintenance to be an attractive quality.
France: Ah bon? C’est bizarre. Americain societé is so confusing. Okay, so what else did you find different?
Me: Hmmm…well, it seemed that, overall, the women on the French version looked more natural than on our version – you know, less make-up, messy but nice hair, the girl who came out in overalls the first night…stuff like that.
France: Ouais, mais bien sur! You American women do not have subtlety. The art of being understated, this is what is truly sexy. In France, you do not need to have all this maquillage on your face and every single hair brushed into place. Americans always think that to be attractive you must have the tight, revealing dress but the French, we are not-
Me: Oh, let’s pump the brakes for a minute.
France is all innocence and takes a drag off the cigarette.
Me: I mean, I will agree on hair and make-up but you can’t claim that the “naked dress” was an example of French subtlety. That was like the least subtle dress I’ve ever seen in my life.
France: I don’t know what you are talking about, I’m sure it was very nice, you just don’t understand style.
I pull up a video on my phone and hold it up, France turns red before quickly looking away.
France: Okay, so there was one dress that was, perhaps…a bit much.
Me: And the rugby game in string bikinis? I mean, women wearing next to nothing running around a field and tackling each other? Was that subtle too?
France: Oh la la la la…you make me so tired sometimes. You can’t even understand the subtlety of what I was trying to say, huh? And please, in U.S. you are constantly showing things much more vulgar than this.
Me: Alright, fair enough. I’m just saying that “people in glass houses…”
France: Shouldn’t walk around naked?
Me: Something like that.
France: So, what else was different? Because of course, I wouldn’t know, I have never watched it; I try not to watch American television.
I roll my eyes.
Me: I don’t know. I mean, obviously, I missed our host. He has been on the show since the beginning and is just part of the experience, I guess. In the French one, the host wasn’t really around too much.
France: But why should he be? He just needs to be there to move things along.
Me: Meh…I don’t know, I like having the host be more involved.
France: Pfff…it is too much…this Chreez ‘Arrison.
Me: I thought you never watched it? How do you know his name?
France looks away and takes a long drink of pastis.
France: Quoi? I don’t know, maybe I have seen one or two episodes.
Me: Ha! You love it, don’t you?
A look of irritation is thrown my way.
France: Anyway, this is not the point, the point is that it is much nicer without this American host always butting his nose in, huh?!
My hands ball into fists.
Me: You better watch it, France. Don’t nobody talk trash about Chris Harrison! You got that?!
France tries to shrug but I can tell that my message got across.
France: Well, there is no argument that the Bachelor himself was much better in the French one, huh?
Me: Why does there have to be a winner and a loser? Can’t we just compare the differences?
France blinks at me uncomprehending.
France: Je ne comprends pas.
Me: Why does every conversation have to be a competition?
France: Because, then what is the point?
I feel like I’ve just stumbled across a major part of the French psyche. But moving on…
Me: Okay, whatever. So yeah, I liked your Gentleman Celibataire. He was good-looking and he seemed pretty nice. Although, his clothes were a riot, eh? Like, the yellow pants? What was that about?
France looks at me like I am crazy.
Me: No, they were nice, just, you know, different.
France: Ah ouais, these stupid khak-eez that you all wear are so much better. Pfff…
Me: France, I was not trying to be ugly and you know it, I was just saying that he had a fun, colorful style, not that he-
France cuts me off.
France: Don’t worry, Americaine, EES OKAY!
I shriek in horror and clap my hand over my mouth.
Me: Is that a Juan Pablo reference?!
France shrugs but has a knowing smile.
Me: How dare you?! That was a dark time for Bachelor Nation…I can’t believe you would bring that up!
France: No, but really EES. O. Kay.
Me: Alright then, that is how it is going to be? At least Juan Pablo and Nikki are still together…your fabulous little Bachelor couldn’t even stick it out until the “Girls Tell All” episode, he had already broken up with her!
A flash of anger crosses Frances face.
France: He chose the wrong girl, huh? Everyone could see it. She was charming, of course, but there were no complications with her, she was no challenge, she was too enthusiastic and available. He should have recognized that this would become boring quickly.
Me: Oh, now you are just talking crazy. She was the nicest one on the show, in fact, she was my favorite from the beginning!
France: Oh la la, of course she was and doesn’t that just say it all?
Me: Awwww…France…don’t worry…ees okay.