In honor of Halloween next week I thought I should write about the scariest thing in France…
Sometimes I actually know what is going on when I am in France…I mean, okay so it is probably not the majority of the time but I’m getting there; now when I nod at something someone says there is like a 50% chance that I know what they meant (45%…WHATEVER). Point being, I am making progress. There is one area, however, in which zero progress has been made. I am basically just as lost as I was the first day I got here. It is wily and ever-changing, a chameleon in the world of social niceties…
*cue thunderclap and lightening*
A tradition so scary…so intimidating…
*teeth chattering in fear*
…that even the creators themselves can’t seem to get a handle on their Frankenstein, it is…
Alright…maybe that is a little dramatic but seriously, what is the deal? Even some French are confused by what to do!
Exhibit A: http://combiendebises.free.fr/
Exhibit B: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b9m0OEpE0z8
Now, I know I’ve written about this before but last time I was writing about getting over the hump of allowing a stranger into my highly coveted personal space so that they can apply their lips to my face (I have accepted it fully, I swear); but this time I want to talk about the actual rules…or lack thereof. As you can see in Exhibit B, the side you start on varies, the number of kisses varies, and the time in which you give them varies, as does the person you are giving them to vary. Now the French have grown up with this tradition and seem to move on instinct…subtly noticing the direction a head is going to go before it has gone there but I have no such luck. I do things like catch half of a person’s mouth and accidentally force them into a half-way make out because I thought their head was going in the other direction. I mean, how does any normal touching –phobic Anglo recover from this?
“I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to just lick your mouth.”
Furthermore, I can’t seem to get a handle on the number of kisses that are going to be doled out to me. I have often had the same person sometimes do two and then sometimes do three. So, just when I think I’m down with the three and go in for another round, they stop at two and I feel like a jackass. Why, French people, WHY?! Don’t you know that I already feel super awkward about kissing strangers?! And don’t even get me started on entering large parties or what to do with children who don’t want to get near you…the confusion abounds.
So, while other people dress as ghosts and goblins this Halloween, I think I will dress as the scariest thing I know…the bise!